Different Kind of Free

and a little more...

Last night I started to read my Bible and was on Romans chapter 12...the one with a whole, huge, long list of how to live life. It annoyed me for some reason. So I said, "God, I don't want a bunch of rules right now...and I keep zoning out...I just want to think." Almost immediately I had another revelation. This is what I wrote in my journal as I got thinking:

"Through most of the struggles in my life, it’s always as if people are saying that I’ve failed to meet standards and what I’m doing isn’t good enough. Whether It’s hearing that I’m not good enough from my dad, hearing it from my friends, and almost every time—hearing it from myself, God was always the one to deny that. He was always the one to hole me and say that it’s not true…that what I do IS good enough and that I don’t need to do anything more for him…that he loves me unconditionally. His message to me lately has consistently been one of unfathomable love that always seems to fix where I’m at.

Not yesterday morning.

Yesterday morning His message was the exact one that he had consistently been erasing with his love every time something rose to the surface. His message wasn’t one that took all my burdens away with his love. It was one that made me come fact to face with everything and for once—His love didn’t fix things. This time his message was, “It’s NOT good enough,” and that’s what hurt.

He was no longer erasing the issues of me feeling like it’s not good enough with just reminding me of His love for me—he was making me face it. Well…he was making me face it…but with His help.

I got so used to hearing God break through my hurt with a message of pure love that when he decided that this time He was also going to be the one saying that things weren’t good enough and that I have to keep trying, it scared me. It was surprising, scary, and hurtful all at the same time. The one who I relied on to always contradict the voices of, “It’s not good enough,” “You missed the mark,” etc., decided that I was ready to hear that I had to come face to face with the issue instead of just pushing everything away except for his love. It was scary at first, but looking back at all the times issues had arose but been resolved with God loving me unconditionally—He had been working in me and preparing me. Preparing me for the day when His message would no longer be, “It’s all good…it doesn’t matter…I love you,” but would be, “I love you—but you missed the mark and DO have to do something about it this time. Let me help.” Except that at first, I was too taken aback to hear the, “I love you,” and “want to help you,” part. I just heard what I was sick of hearing form everyone else…and that’s what hurt, that’s what confused me, and that’s what made it all the more difficult.

He was preparing me for the day when his love would not longer fix everything, but would just be my strength and peace to work through what needs to be fixed."

posted by Amy @ 3:43 p.m.