Really Deep Sigh
I was in the office today talking casually to Colleen when she was discribing how busy her life was this year. I exclaimed how my problem was exactly the opposite. How I felt like I have no life this year and how empty I feel and how I just go back and forth from the computer to the TV like every evening. I said how pathetic it was and how it frustrated me with how I had nothing on this year: no Kids Klub, no softball, no school sports at the moment, but most of all no seekers. She smiled and said, "Well maybe there is a struggle there. Maybe God just wants to say to you, Amy my love, just rest in me." So we talked about that for a bit and I shared with her my recent revelation of how important it is that I get up in the morning to spend time with God--but how I've been struggling with that.After going back into the gym for my shift at floor hockey I realized that I have been living in anger and bitterness. That, in turn, is added to the fact that I have no motivation or desire to do anything but laze around everyday; I'm just having a big pity party for myself every evening. I've been bitter that life this year isn't going the way I want it and I've been angered that I have nothing to keep myself busy. I've wanted to have control of my life and have left God out of the picture. I haven't wanted to spend all my extra free time with him because I feel like I shouldn't be having that extra free time in the first place. I've been mad at him for taking away some like Seekers which I loved so dearly...and I now realize...relied so much upon. (And now I'm officially broken...and crying as I put my head down on the desk and listen to the words of "Broken and Beautiful" by Mark Schultz: "The tears rolled down as hope rushed in. He closed his eyes and raised his hands. Worshipping the God who can bring him back to life again.")
**Five mintues later**
I'm glad that this was brought to the surface...that God is poking at me and working in me. I'm being molded. Refined. I know he will give me strength to just rest in him during the times in the day when I just want to fill my unwanted time with stupid things like computer and TV. I pray that I will be able now to let go of the way I want my life to be and just let God work. Be willing. Be open. Be excited. Rest in Him.
Prayers appreciated.
posted by Amy @ 8:00 p.m.
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