Different Kind of Free: May 2007

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Stop. Take a Breath. Okay...no more time for breathing. Get going again.

This past week has been hugely busy!! And crazy. And hectic. And emotionally exhausting. And physically exhausting. And stressful. And annoying. My throat has been sore since yesterday evening. I have quite a few projects to get done. And dinner theatre is getting close. We are going to be at the school ALL day Sat. doing two full rehearsals, doing two rehersals on Mon., and then on Tues. night the show starts.

I'm super worn out and tired.

But, the week is almost over and even though it is going to be busy, this coming weekend promises to be a good one. There will be time to rest, we are going to have fun with dinner theatre stuff, and I'll have some time to hang out. And, most of all...KAREN AND MIKE ARE HERE ON SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yea. Pretty unbelievably excited about that.

Okay well, time to stop procrastinating. I have work to do.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Worship of Wonder

There are many ideas within Christian spirituality that contradict that facts of reality as I understand them. A statement like this offends some Christians because they believe if aspects of their faith do not obey the facts of reality, they are not true...

It comforts me to think that if we are created beings, the thing that created us woud have to be greater than us, so much greater in fact, that we would not be able to understand it. It would have to be greater than the facts of our reality, and so it would seem to us, looking out from within our reality, that it would contradict reason. But reason itself would suggest it would have to be greater than reality, or it would not be reasonable...

When we worship God, we worship a Being our life experience does not give us the tools with which to understand. If we could, God would not inspire awe...

When we reduce Christian spirituality to math, we defile the Holy...

The little we do understand, that grain of sand our minds are capable of grasping, those ideas such as God is good, God feels, God loves, God knows all, are enough to keep our hearts dwelling on His majesty and otherness forever...

All the wonder of God happens right above our arithmetic and formula. The more I climb outside my pat answers, the more invigorating the view, the more my heart enters into worship...

There is no up and down. There has never been an up and down. Things like up and down were invented so as not to scare children, so as to reduce mystery to math. The truth is we do not know there is an end to material existence. It may go on forever, which is something the mind cannot understand...

I think we have two choices in the face of such big beauty: terror or awe. And this is precisely why we attempt to chart God, because we want to be able to predict Him, to dissect Him, to carry Him around in our dog and pony show. We are too proud to feel awe and too fearful to feel terror. We reduce Him to math so we don't have to fear Him, and yet the Bible tells us fear is the appropriate response, that it is the beginning of wisdom...

Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe. By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder...

There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this...

At the end of the day...I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow...

...I don't think there is any better worship than wonder...

--Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz"

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Gone

I was at Covenant Bible College this weekend for a Jr. High youth retreat. It was a very hard weekend. As soon as I got there I was flooded with memories of the past 5 years: Jam '03, '04, '05, Extreme and Jam as leader '06, and Extreme and Jam as leader '07. The rides up there, the getting there, the finding of the people who you only get to see once or twice a year, getting settled into the dorms, going for supper, amazing mainstage worship, sitting on the rafters, playing games in the courtyard, walking for sno joes, chilling on the couches in the large classroom, gameshows and pointless vidoes, wise speakers, inflatables, food drives, and unforgettable fellowship.

Those memories and more hit me hard in the face as I realized that this weekend was the last Jam ever. The last event in the CBC building...my last time EVER being there. It hurt to walk down the hallway seeing the empty walls where the pictures of the graduating classes used to hang...knowing there will be no more, seeing the extra stuff for sale in the gym, and knowing that this was it.

Saying goodbye was painful--the same emotions that I experienced when we were leaving the boys' home in Bolivia. I didn't want to leave something behind that had played such an incredible and influencial part of my life. The memories from Jam also consisted of thinking back to the amazing ways God had met me, challenged me, broke me, and brought me closer to him while being at Jam and Extreme. The experiences I had in his presence throughout the years while at CBC were hard to remember, knowing that it is gone. I know I am still a changed person and the experiences and memories will ALWAYS be a part of me, but that didn't make it any easier to leave...for the last time.

As we were dismissed I went outside, stood in the rain, and looked at the CBC building for a while. Eventually, it was time to head out.

And so I sat in the van, head in my pillow, with tears rolling down my cheeks as we left the parking lot, left the city, and headed home. The whole way, coping with the emptiness and pain I felt, not only because it felt like I was leaving such a significant part of my past behind, but because I was leaving my dreams for the future behind as well.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Floja

I've been realizing that there have been areas in my life lately that I expect to just work out for me. I think that if I give it time, things will change and will automatically be differeng. I think that if I continue to just be lazy I will naturally become a better, stronger, and wiser person. I think that if I just sit back and don't take time to practice my gifts and my faith and don't dedicate time to God's word and prayer that it won't matter and I will just grow as a person anyway.

But, I guess if I'm really serious about wanting to grow in my faith it takes practice, thought, and dedication. It takes just being with God. It involves "taking pains with these things; being absorbed in them, so that my progress will be evident to all" (1 Tim 4:15 NAS)

God is not going to open doors and give me opportunities if I just sit back and expect everything to come to me. It takes work on my part...pain even. I have to go and find the open doors, seek out opportunities, and be willing to give up my state of flojaness that I've fallen into.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Busy

Well, my parents left Sat. morning, I spent a long day at the school getting work done for dinner theatre, I went to my friend's house to spend the night there, we went to Courts of Praise on Sun. morning -- good service. Afterward, we hung out with Kendra for her birthday during the afternoon. Around 4 we went to spiderman three, then went to Broadway Cafe for supper, went back to Mike's house, and hung out until Heather called so I could go to her house and sleep (this is place I'm staying from now until Fri when my family gets home). We did homework, got up this morning, went to school, stayed after school to work some more, went to her grandparents house for supper, came back to her house, and now we're going to do some homework.

So...that rant was totally pointless except to say that I have been way too incredibly busy for my liking, have settled into a very grumpy mood, and feel like I could just crawl into a corner and sleep.

So busy that I miss the days that I was struggling with not being busy enough. Too busy to sit down and spend some time reading...whether it be a good novel or God's word. Too busy to think of anything less shallow to write about than my less than exciting schedule for the past weekend. So busy that it's driving me insane and making me restless.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Moldeando para ser Mejores en Cristo.

Wow, I hadn't realized I missed so much in writing. Oops. The past couple week have been pretty good. It has gotten a bit easier being home and Bolivia isn't on my mind quite as much. But, at the same time I don't want that to be so because then it's like Bolivia is just getting farther and farther away. *sigh*

There have been a couple of days that have been a bit of a roller coaster, but my conclusions about everything are three things:

#1. 2 Cor. 12:9-10:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

#2. Something Ticua (a boy from Bolivia) said to me on MSN.

"Son momentos que pasan esos momentos buenos y malos los adoro porque siempre hay algo que aprender y recordar de esta situacion. Pidamos siempre que nos siga moldeando cada dia para ser mejores en cristo. "

Basically meaning that there are always good and bad moments that pass by but we should like them because there is always something to learn and recall from the situations. Also, to ask God to mold us each day to be better in Him.

#3. Not to throw pieces of my personality out in order to meet other peoples' standards...but to be myself and not think so hard about certain things. Just be natural.

Anyway, my family is off tomorrow for a vacation in Pheonix. I'm staying here...because I want to...and because I can't miss a week of school, especially with dinner theatre coming so quickly. I'm basically at the school every day after school and every Sat. from now until June 5. Oh well, I'm enjoying it.

I think I'm going to go star gazing tonight. :)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9 ...Let my Lifesong sing to You

: Name: Amy; Location: Saskatoon, Sask., Canada

My life is not mine. I am a child of the King. I am who I am. I am enthusiastic and passionate about even the smallest things. I love summer. I am a firm supporter of real Christmas trees. Gilmore Girls is the best show ever made. I am sensitive. I am a huge nerd and love learning. I play piano and love to worship. I am most comfortable in my PJs. I get annoyed too easily at small things. I love snow and Christmas. Stargazing is beautiful. I am a perfectionist in every way possible. I like my hair better darker than its natural blonde. Junkfood is a must. I have a heart for ministry. I am a control freak, but responsible. I take great pleasure in simple, random, and fun things. I sometimes cry in animated movies. Biology is intriguing; so is chemistry. I am a home person. I am a leader, more so when I am in comfortable surroundings. Music is delightful. I am a setter, point guard, and second baseman. I am honest and sincere. I am both an extrovert and an introvert. I love being involved. Canoe trips and retreats were my favourite part of high school. I can't whistle or snap my fingers. I love my family and friends. I love life.

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Different Kind of Free