Running Just to Catch Myself
I was doing homework until 1:00am last night...and starting at around 8:00pm. During Christmas break. How LAME is that?! It's not like I had a choice though...we seriously got piled on this break I get excited because I'm almost done one huge project...but then I remember we have 2 more...and one of those two consists of 4 parts. *sigh*
As I was doing the project last night, however, I heard a song of Mark Schultz's that I'd never caught before, "Running just to Cath Myself". It made me laugh so hard. Here are some of the lyrics. (They may not be as funny without the music...because the melody is quite catchy)
I am driving
I am late for work
Spilling coffee down my whitest shirt
While I'm flossing and I'm changing lanes
Oh Yeah Now I'm driving
Through the parking lot
Doing eighty, hey what the heck why not
Watch it lady, Cuz you’re in my spot
Once again, It's early to work
And here's a surprise, I got a
McMuffin for just 99 cents today
I think they ran a special
CHORUS:
I can't stand still Can I get a witness
Can you hear me Anybody, Anybody
I think I am running just to catch myself
Now I'm running
Straight into my boss
And he's angry, Oh and he calls me Ross
Which is funny, cause that ain’t my name
And that’s lame
I'm still running
Running very late, For a meeting
Wait, that was yesterday
Guess I'm early for the one next week, Oh how sweet
I get on the ladder, I corporately climb
I wave at my life as it passes me by everyday
My name's not Ross!
I can't stand still (Can I get a witness)
Can you hear me (Anybody, Anybody)
I think I am running just to catch myself
Now THIS is the part that made me laugh super hard...as I was by myself...in my room...again...lame...but it's FUNNY
When I meet God, (I will have a question)
(I just forgot the question)
I think I am running just to catch myself
I was sure by now that you would have reached down and wiped our tears away.
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say Amen
And it's still raining.
...and it just gets worse
Difficult Christmas
Christmas is suppossed to be a time that is celebrated as a family. Well my family doesn't feel like much of a family this Christmas. It's been hard. It's always tense and filled with anger.
Break Free
The voice of truth tells me a different story. I will chose to listen and believe the voice of truth.
I had been living in deception for so long. I had been held captive by the enemy and had been led to believe horrible lies. Tonight I learned something about someone in my family. (Don't jump to conclusions.) And though it hurts really bad...though it's going to be something that we're going to have to work through and it fills me with such a hopeless, broken, empty, hurt feeling...there was also some good to it.
I was able to break free from the lies that I had been living in for so long. The lies that told me that it is all my fault. p.s. Please pray for my family
A Rant...Family life...
My heart hurts.
It's a constant struggle and I can never seem to overcome it.
No matter how hard I try, I fail. And things just get worse.
My attitude sucks...the way I am here...at "home" sucks.
I can never get it right and it hurts that I have to keep trying.
I'm worn out from trying.
And all that I get from one of my closest friends is, "Amy, really, way to act 16."
Because shes perfect. She's got it all together. Her family doesn't fight all the time. So that gives her opportunity to look down on me.
I'm trying. I'm really trying.
Another friend said, "He loves you, you know." She was talking about Nate...but I heard it as God.
Sure He loves me, but I feel like I don't deserved to be loved so unconditionally. Who am I that the eyes that see me sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again?? What is man that you are mindful of him?
I feel like a wreck when it comes to my family. I can never get it right. My attempts fail. I have to survive two weeks now, at home, with my family, with no school to run to every morning. Which means I'm going to have to try even harder. Maybe it will be good for me.
God please give me strength. I surrender. I can't do this at all...without you. Our broken home needs your healing. My broken heart needs your healing.
Fun list of things to entertain yourself with
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
16. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
17. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
18. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called therapy.
So I've officially been sitting here at the computer with this screen in front of me for about five minutes. Definitely can't think of anything to write.
This week has been pretty much the slowest moving and yet jam packed week in a long time. Two tests on Wednesday, two tests tomorrow, as assignment due tomorrow, three bball games, a bball practice, plus end of term/end of year equals STRESS!!! and grumpy teachers and grumpy students and chaotic family and just an all around UNideal week. But it will get better, Christmas is next week and then everything takes a massive drop until school starts and it gets busy again twice as fast as it dropped. Wow...what a roller coaster. I never really thought of it that way. December hits and everything gets crazier and crazier until suddenly there's a week of school left and it goes ubercrazy uberfast. Then Christmas eve comes immediately followed by Christmas day. As you go to bed on Christmas night, everything basically ends. There is yet to be another week and a half of NOTHINGNESS as I sit at home, maybe do homework to get ahead, but pretty much do nothing. Then school...that pretty much says it all. School starts and there's two weeks left of the term which means the epitome of chaos. And then BANG it's over. Finals are done, and term two gets off to a painfully slow start with no homework or assignments...which is probablay because the teachers feel the need to jam pack it all into june.
ah, what a life. BUT this year there is a spuratic few weeks of incredible excitement as we head off to Bolivia. Yay!! :)
Anyway, as I am ranting on about the quirks of highschool, I have a physics binder beside me that needs to be opened and studied for my test tomorrow. And a Bible downstairs that I haven't really found time for in the past little bit. So, I'm off.
This weekend has been pretty good.
I had a bunch of girlfriends over on Fri night and we had a bit of a Christmas party. After dying my hair darker (temporarily) , watching a few Christmas movies, going camera happy, and eating a crap load of food, it was three in the morning and we decided to go to bed. :) It was a grand old time.
...but now I am sick...
and have some homework to do
so I'm off...farewell
SCUBA
This week has been good.
On Wednesday morning I got to go scuba diving at Hairy Bailey Pool. It was sooooo AWESOME!!!!!! We went as a phys ed class and after learning how, we were all at the bottom of the pool (about 16m) for at least 45 mintues straight. We were laying down, having teaparties, doing flips, playing catch with a cool water torpedo thing, counting tiles, and blowing bubbles. It was so amazing. It is the neatest feeling in the world to be able to breath underwater/be weightless/stay at the bottom of a pool for 45 minutes!!!!!! Oh my GOODNESS it was awesome!!!!!!!
The rest of the week, however...not that exciting. Pretty blah. Getting a bit more busy. Fun season. Yeeeeea. That's pretty much all I have to say.
Breakthrough
"Sometimes, God, when we struggle with doubt, we don't necessarily doubt your existance...we doubt our ability to comprehend it." -Todd SlectaGod works in mysterious ways...and very spuratically I might add...
and a little more...
Last night I started to read my Bible and was on Romans chapter 12...the one with a whole, huge, long list of how to live life. It annoyed me for some reason. So I said, "God, I don't want a bunch of rules right now...and I keep zoning out...I just want to think." Almost immediately I had another revelation. This is what I wrote in my journal as I got thinking:
"Through most of the struggles in my life, it’s always as if people are saying that I’ve failed to meet standards and what I’m doing isn’t good enough. Whether It’s hearing that I’m not good enough from my dad, hearing it from my friends, and almost every time—hearing it from myself, God was always the one to deny that. He was always the one to hole me and say that it’s not true…that what I do IS good enough and that I don’t need to do anything more for him…that he loves me unconditionally. His message to me lately has consistently been one of unfathomable love that always seems to fix where I’m at.
Not yesterday morning.
Yesterday morning His message was the exact one that he had consistently been erasing with his love every time something rose to the surface. His message wasn’t one that took all my burdens away with his love. It was one that made me come fact to face with everything and for once—His love didn’t fix things. This time his message was, “It’s NOT good enough,” and that’s what hurt.
He was no longer erasing the issues of me feeling like it’s not good enough with just reminding me of His love for me—he was making me face it. Well…he was making me face it…but with His help.
I got so used to hearing God break through my hurt with a message of pure love that when he decided that this time He was also going to be the one saying that things weren’t good enough and that I have to keep trying, it scared me. It was surprising, scary, and hurtful all at the same time. The one who I relied on to always contradict the voices of, “It’s not good enough,” “You missed the mark,” etc., decided that I was ready to hear that I had to come face to face with the issue instead of just pushing everything away except for his love. It was scary at first, but looking back at all the times issues had arose but been resolved with God loving me unconditionally—He had been working in me and preparing me. Preparing me for the day when His message would no longer be, “It’s all good…it doesn’t matter…I love you,” but would be, “I love you—but you missed the mark and DO have to do something about it this time. Let me help.” Except that at first, I was too taken aback to hear the, “I love you,” and “want to help you,” part. I just heard what I was sick of hearing form everyone else…and that’s what hurt, that’s what confused me, and that’s what made it all the more difficult.
He was preparing me for the day when his love would not longer fix everything, but would just be my strength and peace to work through what needs to be fixed."
Stir it up in Our Hearts
This morning, a friend and I went to Courts of Praise for their Sun. morning service. It was amazing. The worship made me cry. I missed that place so much. I missed the atmosphere so much. I missed being able to worship so openly so much.
Guess what the sermon was on? Yup...family relationships. The speaker (not necessarily the pastor...his name was kevin) spoke about how even though we think we can do things on our own and see God's glory by ourselves, we need to be reconcilled with our families. What really hit me that he said was that God will not show his glory unless we are right with our families. It confused me because I was so set on the mindset that I will just go on my merry way no matter where I'm at with dad. And I clung to the fact that God loved me no matter what. But it hurt today because I realized that I'm called to something higher than just being right with God...I have to be right with my relationships with my family. My mindset was changed into one that I think said I have to be right with my dad before I can see God's glory. But, I'm still confused about that. I felt so convicted today...but yet it's convicted on something that I don't know how to fix.
It's all coming clearer now...
I know that God still does love me no matter what and I can come to him just as I am...but another part of that truth is I can't just sit back and live with my dad's and my relationship the way it is. I have to work through that struggle. It was the truth and it hurt. I hurt. So badly. All the pain that I had felt this past weekend because of never feeling like I amount up to my dad's standards put on top of the pain that I couldn't just shrug it off anymore but I had to keep doing my best to work through it even when it burdened me made me start crying. During the open worship at the end, I just cried. I cried because of the pain that I felt from my dad. I cried because of the truth that I had to keep working at it. And I cried because I really didn't know how to fix it...I didn't know where to go from there. Robin kept spuratically singing a few lines of, "Stir it up in our hearts, Lord. Stir it up in our hearts, Lord. Stir it up in our hearts, a passion for your name." He did stir me, and worked in me.
(Okay, so I'm not so confused anymore...)
And that's where another truth comes in. It's not up to me to fix things and I can't do anything in my power. I have to take that burden and give it completely to God. I have to be willing to keep doing my best to work through things. I have to allow God to continue to work in me like he did today and guide me. I have to be open to his love and remember that he IS pleased with me. He is SO PLEASED with me and with my heart. He loves me so much. The message today for me wasn't, "Amy, you can't come near to me because you're so not right with your dad." It was, "Amy, I love you so much and am pleased with your heart, but remember to keep working through the struggle of respecting your father and having a good relationship with him. It DOES matter...you don't have to have it all perfect...but you have to be willing to keep trying. Don't just walk away from that issue. Allow me to help you work through it."
Yes. That's it.
Useless? ... The Problem?
I think not.
You'd better start thinking before you speak.
Because it hurts.
Badly.
...and I'm supposed to respect you...
Bigger and Better
Last night I was at my friend's birthday party. There were thirteen of us there and the parents planned a bigger and better hunt. That is where you start with something small and go to houses trading it off for something bigger and better. You keep trading your items for other items that are bigger and better than what you have and slowly work your way up.
Well...it our case...not so slowly.
My group started with a red paper clip. At the second house we went to, the man went into his garage and brought out a computer monitor--he gave us his old computer monitor for a red paperclip! So, we thought maybe the night was already done for us when no one seemed to have anything bitter and better than a computer monitor. But, sure enough, we came to another house and they offered us a small TV, then a dryer, but then settled on a stove. So, after rearranging their garage, moving their vehicle out of the drivway, pulling up our vehicle, getting the stove into the vehicle, we were finished.
We still had an hour left to the game and even though it was cold, I wanted to keep trying. But, everyone said no--they didn't have anything bigger and better than a stove. And most of them looked at us like we were loosers.
We went back to the house and won the game by far, as everyone else had little things like a kite, a teddy bear, a lifejacket, a plastic mug, etc. One group got two small tv's...but they took them from their house. Cheaters. :P
So, that was my fun-filled evening. Today, I feel, is going to be a long day of looking after my sister and trying to get along with my dad while doing it. But it ends of nicely: me and a friend are going to a Christmas party at her church, then coming back to my house and watching the passion of the Christ. I haven't seen it yet, so I'm glad for the opportunity. I wanted to watch it before thie past Easter...but that never happened. So, I figured it was just as fitting to watch it during the Christmas season. It's going to be so tempting to cover my eyes and just not watch it...but I need to see it. I'm making myself watch it. It will be good for me.
