Different Kind of Free: August 2006

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Brokenness

Psalm 51:16-17
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. " (NIV)
"Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice. " (MSG)

Brokenness is pleasing to God.

"You say, strength is found weakness, Peace in incompleteness, so why do I hold on? You look for a heart thats open, For beauty in the broken, So why am I withdrawn? My soul's screaming out, To be found in You.

Spirit, draw me to my knees. Captivate all of me, all of me. Here before You, honestly, Captivate all of me, all of me. " -Starfiend Lyrics "Captivate"

Monday, August 28, 2006

Hope

I've spent the afternoon working. As soon as we got home from errands I started doing work unpacking and cleaning and all that sort of thing. Well, needless to say, the sort of thing that seems to happen every time we are supposed to do work happened again. My parents started getting on my case about everything wrong that I do and how I'd better start doing some work.

Now, obviously this bothers me every time it comes up because there are many days where I feel so bogged down and discouraged with all the responsibility I have and all the work that I have to do. So if you throw my parents being unappreciative on top of that...well it sort of doesn't make me feel to good...

So, as I was taking a break and pitying myself, I realized, "Thank goodness that God is not like that." I mean, I'm living a life for him and there's no way that I'll ever be able to meet every single standard...no one is perfect. But, when I put effort into something, he always sees and always is pleased. He sees the desires of my heart, he loves me no matter what, and he is always patient and gives all the chances I need.

On a spiritual journey, motivation can so often be completely wiped out because it feels like we need to be at a certain point before being able to come before God or feel successful. Thankfully, we serve a God of hope and of uncondtional love. He desires for his children to find rest in his love. He is pleased with the sacrifice of a broken spirit, not of burnt offerings and the likes. He longs for us to run to him.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I got back from volleyball camp on Friday evening. It was alright. It was long and tiring and I didn't really enjoy it, but I survived. It was fun at times and I met some new people. However, I'm glad I'm home.

And I also uber glad that school starts in 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Hm...I don't know what else there is to talk about.

I've realized that I dream a lot at night. Like, in the morning I have at least 4 different dreams that I can remember, and they're all so confusing and weird. But, most times they do have something to do with who I've seen during the day before or what I've thought about. So, I've come to the conclusion that not only do I think way too much during the day time, but at night my head doesn't shut off. It keep going. Very quickly. In dream form. :P

And I'll be dreaming right up until when my alarm clock rings...and like 5 seconds after as well. This morning my alarm clock rung and for some reason I thought that I was in the room with a bunch of other people and I got mad because I was always the one that had to get out of bed to turn the alarm off. So, I lied there in bed hoping that someone else would turn it off, then when it kept going I jumped out of bed and yelled, "Fine!." (Fine as in, "Fine I'll do it!") I got to my desk, turned it off, looked around....and then laughed at myself. I was definitely the only one in the room. Hehe. It was amusing.

Anyway, today we're going to church in a bit, (well, not my mom because she's working again with Family Justice Survices one weekend a month and she works today) and then this evening I have my ball windup to go to. Ball has been done for a while, but the windup hasn't happened yet, and as far as I know, I'm not playing ball next year. So, this may be the last time I see some of these girls that I've played with for six years.

Then pretty much the next exciting thing is school!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Who am I?

My mom gave me a talk tonight.
I don't feel like going into specifics.
But it basically has to do with being a hypocrite.
That whole subject again.
Not like it ever ended, I guess.
I'm one person with others and a different person at home.
And I know that.
I definitely will not argue.
I have to hear and do.
I can't bear good and bad fruit.
I know that is definitely a struggle for me.
And it's so difficult.
It's so hard to have motivation to try.
But it's like I live two lives.
Why? I don't know.
How do I stop? I don't know.
Who am I really? Um...I actually don't really know.
And that's something hard to swallow.

Blah

That's how I feel right now.

Blah, lazy, bummed, bored, anxious...all of the above...although I guess they're not really "above". Hm...

Anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow morning for v-ball camp. At first I was excited about it and wanted to go. (Hence the reason I registered.) Then, like a week and a half ago, I really, really didn't want to go. Then I was okay with going...up until today. I really, really, really don't want to go. And what makes it worse is that I have to no matter what. I've never been really good with camps, I usually get a little homesick. But, throw the fact that I don't even want to go to v-ball camp on it--ya, this could be a difficult week.

I guess I'm supposed to be looking after Teagan right now. Maybe I'll go get back to that.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Chic pics

With the whole kurfluffle of moving and everything right after I got home from CHIC, I never got to posting any pictures. I got a CD from Courtney now, though. So, here are some pictures from CHIC2K6!!! :)

Kalee, Me, Christina in the car on the way to Winnipeg.

Gavin and Kalee on the plane on the way to knoxville.

Arriving!

Christina, Courtney, me, Kalee at a pond thingy close to our hotel.

Proof that it was stinking hot!

Mainstage...and the insane amount of people.

Katie, Kalee, me, Courtney in our hotel pool.

Ya...it was a good time. :)

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Joy of the Lord

My mom is home. And I think things are actually going okay. She seems well: happy, content, refreshed, etc.

Things may be looking up.

I realized something as I was looking through those encouraging notes last night and I meant to write it on last night's post. There were a couple of comments along the same line of reflecting joy even through tough times. They didn't mean as much to me at the time because nothing was really wrong, but now...after such a hard week...I look back at it and remember times when I'd be laughing and having quite a bit of fun and then sort of pausing and wondering why I was so happy when everything around me was so wrong.

The verse that says, "The joy of the Lord is my strength." put on a whole new meaning.

Monday, August 14, 2006

This has definitely been not the greatest week for me. Ok...it was a horrible week. Definitely a valley of a week and it's still not over.

For the most part, everything that pilled up, adding to what was wrong just built up inside of me...usually until I talked to people. I would be going through my day--my week--as if I was walking under a storm cloud that followed me everywhere; I was almost constantly in a state of sadness. And then in particular moments, I would burst...and cry...and everything would come to the surface...and I would be even worse that just constantly sad.

But, tonight, when I started thinking about everything, the moment that would have usually made me burst with anger, and anxiety, and hurt, and everything...was more of an encouraging time. I was reading all my letters that I have saved up over the years that I have gotten from people and I was encouraged.

So, I'm still not the greatest...I'm still scared, and hurt, and lost, and angry, and distressed.
But, I know that God is holding me tight.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Rain

"Things don’t always work out the way we want them to, or the way we think they will. Sometimes we don’t even see it coming. We get hit with some form of pain out of nowhere leaving us feeling desperate and helpless. That’s the way life is. Still, it makes us wonder how God can let these things happen to us. How God can just stand by and watch us suffer. Where is God when it really hurts? Maybe God is actually closer to us than we think. Maybe it’s when we’re in these situations, where everything seems to be falling apart, that God gets an opportunity to remind us of how much he really loves us. "

"It always rains, doesn't it..."

"When you cry out to me, I listen. I cannot ignore the cry of those who are afflicted. If you're hurting, lost, soaking wet, confused, you cry out, he hears. He's close to the brokenhearted. Close to those who are hurt, lost soaking wet, confused."

"For Trace, the storm is the reality. He sees nothing beyond it. What he doesn't realize is that as his dad, I would do anything to get him home."

"I love you, buddy. We're gonna make it. Dad knows the way home."

"For me, that walk was one of my deepest, most intimate memories of my life with my son. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything."

"May you, when you're soaking wet, lost, hurting, or confused, may you cry out and may the creator of the universe take you out of your pack and may he hold you tight up against his chest and may he wrap his eternal loving arms around you."

-Steve Bell (Nooma video: 001 Rain)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I'm so grateful for people around me that are a comfort and that love me with the love of Christ.

Yes, entirely grateful.

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, "I'm with you."

You are God alone, no matter where I am.
Every tear I cry, you hold in your hands.
You never left my side, and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

-Casting Crowns

Every blessing you pour out I'll
turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be your name.

On the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering,
Blessed be your name.

You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, Lord blessed be your name.

-Matt Redman

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Not this again.
Hasn't hit me yet.
Life goes on, but everytime I look at her things are different.
Now I know something. It's a horrible something.
And if I would have known sooner I would have been more helpful.
But I guess that's not the right heart behind it anyway, then.
If only.
I am at fault. A painful fault.
And now I have so much responsibility to make it better.
Even more than I thought I had before.
Why can't things be different. Easier.
I have the head knowledge to get me through.
But can't seem to apply it to my heart.
I'm so sick of change. Bitterly sick.
But this one...the possibility of this one:
It's the worse one yet.
Makes the others seem insignificant.
It only things could be normal.
She gives and gives and gives.
Carries all the burden by herself.
Is dying on the inside. Why?
Why is this happening? Again.

I'm begging You to be my escape.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Computer is Back!!

Well, we don't really have our real computer hooked up yet, but we have internet...and my dad has a laptop. :)

Man, it's been awhile.

My summer has been going pretty well. Some ups. Some downs.

I GOT MY LICENSE ON WEDNESDAY!!!!! That's an up if I ever saw one. :D

I don't feel like going into the downs. Most of you know them anyway.

Another up was last night. I got to pick up a friend, and (we were going to go down by the river but then her family made her go to church so I went with her) after church we went back to my house. It was storming out and raining really hard so we went outside and stood there and sand songs for like 5 minutes. It was really cool. We were so soaked afterward though. It definitely didn't make my parents too happy coming into our new house soaking and muddy, but we strategically got to the bathroom and dried off. It was so worth it. Fun times.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9 ...Let my Lifesong sing to You

: Name: Amy; Location: Saskatoon, Sask., Canada

My life is not mine. I am a child of the King. I am who I am. I am enthusiastic and passionate about even the smallest things. I love summer. I am a firm supporter of real Christmas trees. Gilmore Girls is the best show ever made. I am sensitive. I am a huge nerd and love learning. I play piano and love to worship. I am most comfortable in my PJs. I get annoyed too easily at small things. I love snow and Christmas. Stargazing is beautiful. I am a perfectionist in every way possible. I like my hair better darker than its natural blonde. Junkfood is a must. I have a heart for ministry. I am a control freak, but responsible. I take great pleasure in simple, random, and fun things. I sometimes cry in animated movies. Biology is intriguing; so is chemistry. I am a home person. I am a leader, more so when I am in comfortable surroundings. Music is delightful. I am a setter, point guard, and second baseman. I am honest and sincere. I am both an extrovert and an introvert. I love being involved. Canoe trips and retreats were my favourite part of high school. I can't whistle or snap my fingers. I love my family and friends. I love life.

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Different Kind of Free